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During all this time away from blogging leaves me with a long list of things I have to talk to you, but before I can do what I need to get a good, old-fashioned rant off my chest.

I do not know about you, but I love a strong, soul-cleansing attack complaining.

Today’s topic? Apartment hunting on Craigslist. Uhhhh, hmmmmm. Where to begin? Well, let’s put this thing off on a positive note:

Every real estate agent on Craigslist, you deserve to win the Pulitzer Prize for his creative use of vocabulary. Do you give away a Webster thesaurus with your license? I’ve never seen so many synonyms of colors and adjectives used in the movement that all mean the same.

Since I’m bad with my smart varying degrees in English (and yet, seemingly incapable of writing a blog without glaring grammatical errors), let me translate for you:

“Cozy” = small and tasty

“Lovely” = old and busted

“Quaint” ghetto trash = y

“Very nice” super = shit

I am to you, Craigslist. I’ve used your secret code and I know the truth. I quickly realized that you have written these ads with poetic license, such that should be read aloud by a girl with dreadlocks and unshaven armpits who hates his father in a beatnik coffee under a bridge in Brooklyn . For example, the use of the word “near” is rather vague. How can an apartment 10 miles outside the city is “almost all the action of Red Sox Nation.” So apparently, being “close to” Fenway Park means turning on your HDTV, ESPN and tuning in the game that night in your living room. Gotcha.

I also learned long, long time not to look at an apartment on Craigslist that does not include images. If I just show pictures of the street or the front door, we have problems. If you say he has “a large space in the closet” and a “fabulous cuisine and modern” Show me then THEY. Otherwise, I’ll call you a liar, liar pants on fire.

However, there is another side to this coin when shown photos of your property for rent (you know, that the transaction in which we expect people to give you their hard earned dollars in exchange for a place to live). For the love of all things holy and clean. her. shit. apartment. above. first.

Oh, my what a beautiful kitchen we have here! Look at all the counter space! I mean, I think there is a down counter. Wait, do not feel it is a giant cockroach. Would you mind to kill him with the box of leftover pizza or one of the dirty dishes in the sink? I prefer living alone. Thank you!

Great! I’ve always wanted an apartment with no closet space! Do you think that the current tenant out of mind the image of Justin Bieber has hung on the wall above his bed? These yellow stickers of the heart are the perfect art statement. I’ve collected for years.

 

Did you know that the giant Christmas draw red tape in the fridge just for me? Although we are in April? Awwwww, you should not have. You’ve done so much with the place. I love the feeling of cutting edge of their shit to be scattered throughout the small salon.

 

No, no, do not worry friend. I understand how difficult making the bed can be sometimes. In fact, I like the way it has leaves back to reveal a bit of drool on the mattress, is a nice touch. Seriously. How long does it take to fix the pillow so, that’s half in bed and half on the wall? Very interesting.

Seriously.

Need I say more yet?